Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
