4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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