I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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