WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
