all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
