those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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