At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
