No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
