we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
