Me too!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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