Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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