You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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