my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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