i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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