I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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