$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
