i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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