I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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