You're a womanizer and a bitch.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
