I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
