So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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