the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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