his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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