i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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