I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
