the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
