A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
