1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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