Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Alive.
So much puke
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
