I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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