seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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