it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
