As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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