note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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