Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
