in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
