So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
