if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
