sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
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my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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