I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
mondays should just be called national damage control day
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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