seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
