my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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