Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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