If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
