Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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