Your mouth is God's brothel.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
