i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
