I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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