So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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