the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
