I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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