Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
