Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
