i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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