you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
